Saturday, January 02, 2010

Meet My Demands Or Else

I know that many people like to make resolutions in the new year. I never do. I like to submit a list of demands. Do as I say or Stapleton gets it. I'm not kidding. I have a stainless steel spatula and I know how to use it. She'll get pancaked. And you'll never get to read the sequels to Stupid Cupid.

She's pretty cute. Can you sleep at night if I'm forced to do it?

Here are my Demands for 2010:

10. Michael Jackson will be allowed to rest in peace... and silence.

9. We will all be allowed to stop caring about Jon, Kate, and just hope for the best for the 8.

8. Both political parties will be forced to discuss successes and failures without making any reference what-so-ever to the opposition.

7. There will be no more chickens on television. Seriously. They freak Max out and nobody knows why, nor can anyone seem to stop it. So enough with the chickens. I've gone through a television, two toes, and an instep. WEE DONE LYKE DE CHEEKENS!

6. Cover artists will, henceforth, be banned from doing any work until they have read a one page synopsis of the book, including brief descriptions of both main characters. Any cover artist submitting skinny characters as fat, fat characters as skinny, blonde as brunette, or any other complete reversal of actual descriptions... five days in solitary with no crayons. I'm not kidding.

5. The cast of Jersey Shore will write a fully notarized apology to the people of New Jersey and read it, live on camera, in the Governor's office. Phonics specialists will be provided to aid them in the sounding out of large words.

4. Kanye West will join Chris Brown on a world tour. It will not sell out. It will, in fact, be free. They will travel to every major city of the globe to stand up for three consecutive nights at each location and apologize for being the world's biggest twin-scuzbags. Halfway through Kanye's speech the local cute blonde girl will take the mic away and talk about how he's not cool enough. Then she will slug Chris Brown in the face. Yes, this WILL take place EVERY night. When the mission is completed they have my permission to make attempts at "comebacks." But first they have to successfully complete their apologia, followed by brief "go aways."

3. Perez Hilton will retire. There is absolutely nothing about him anyone needs to see, hear, or read. Buhbye.

2. The media will realize that crappy sales in print are due to crappy reporting and an obsession with celebrity that is completely manufactured. We read about them because you don't write about anything else. I know how to find TMZ... so does everyone else. News would rock, k thanx bai.

1. The Fictionistas will become the first online tag-team radical sisterhood and writing group to dominate the top of the New York Times best seller's list for 9 consecutive months, giving birth to a phenomenon unlike anything seen since some lady named Jo wrote a weird book about a boy named Harry.


  1. HAHAHAHA awesome. I have a feeling I'm never gonna be free *sigh*, but I love your demands. :D

  2. Three cheers for that!! (PS i STILL have no idea who jon and kate are so mission succussful)

  3. 2010 is going to be a good year!

  4. I can comply with these. No problem. The world WILL be a better place and you can keep your spatula in the kitchen!

    My standard New Year's Resolution is one I got from a friend of mine in grad school: Be a jerk in new ways.

    It's inescapable that I'm going to be a jerk, so the best I can hope for is not to repeat myself. It's fairly easy to keep.

  5. Amanda Brice8:25 PM


  6. Anonymous11:45 PM

    Dude. That was awesome. 2010 better watch out.

  7. well, 'nuf said. ( i know that's so LAST decade, but srsly.)

  8. I'd kinda like it if Rhonda got worked over by the spatula.

  9. I'm with Gwen. I wanna see the spatula in action. Sorry, Rhonda.

    Also, I heart the Jersey Shore. If anything, the rest of Jersey needs to apologize to America if they aren't all exactly like the Jersey Shore cast. Because they are AWESOME in a train wreck sorta way...

    sorry I'm so late, I was at the Liberty Bowl freezing my tookus off.