Friday Funnies

If you're a cat owner, you know how true this is:



Have a great weekend! (And I hope you have a sturdier box.)

Random funny pics

So I have some pics on my computer that I'm going to share because they make me laugh. So there!

A warning label on a leaf blower, haha

My boyfriend's dog, lying on my son

Uh, a butt...

Pac Man!

My boyfriend's dog, looking like a hell hound from the fuuuuuutuuuuuure...

Some dude at the corner of the street with a fierce 'stache, haha

My Boyfriend's Back...

Wait, my boyfriend never left, as far as I know...

BUT our very own Fictionista, Chrissy, has a .99 bargain available from Amazon!

MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK

"I bring you tidings of... DAMMIT!"

With those few words, Jack Lynch's world would change forever. The nerdy guy
from Hammond High has returned for his twentieth reunion. He's rich, successful,
and ready to re-claim the girl who got away: Rori McLeary.

There's just one small problem... Jack is also dead. But with the help of an
angel in training, his mom, and the rockin' body of his former arch-nemesis,
Jack is still going to get the girl.

He has three days to convince Rori to love him. He's got the body he never
had, the brains he always had, and Norman the geek angel on his side.

What could possibly go wrong?

I say spread the love on Valentine's Day and buy this e-book!

Guest Post: Stephanie Dray

The Fictionistas would like to welcome special Guest Star, author Stephanie Dray, to the blog today.

What Cleopatra Can Teach Us About Love

by Stephanie Dray

She was a ruler, a businesswoman, an author and religious icon. But Cleopatra VII of Egypt is primarily remembered for her dramatic love affairs with two of the most powerful men in the ancient world. She is said to have ensnared Julius Caesar in a May-December romance that scandalized Rome and may well have led to his assassination. Later, she set her sights on Mark Antony and during their tumultuous relationship, they quite nearly ruled the world.

In writing Lily of the Nile: A Novel of Cleopatra’s daughter, I spent a great deal of time pondering what sorts of lessons on love Cleopatra may have imparted to her children. Given Cleopatra’s tragic end, I imagined that her daughter would be quite wary of love--that she would see love as a threat to her ambitions...a threat to her very life itself. But then, Selene was a royal hostage, held in a Roman court of intrigue, at the mercy of the very man who destroyed her family. 
By contrast, we have the luxury of taking an altogether more lighthearted look at her mother’s legacy! So, here are five things the legendary Queen of the Nile may have advised when it came to love:

Men Like Girls With Moxie. The most famous tale about Cleopatra is how she had herself smuggled into the palace in a carpet and rolled out at Julius Caesar’s feet. The specifics of this story have come into question. Was it really a carpet or bed linens or a laundry sack of some sort? No one seems to know. But does it really matter? The point is that a very young queen risked her life in a dangerous gambit. Even having survived the perilous journey to slip past enemy soldiers, she had to know that Julius Caesar could have her killed on the spot. After all, she’d chosen the wrong side in the recent civil war; Caesar had no reason to favor her. But she gambled that Caesar would admire her spunk. Her reward? He took her to bed--quite possibly that same night--and would later make her the most powerful woman in the world.

Treat Your Relationship As Something Sacred. Though she was the mother of Julius Caesar’s son, he couldn’t marry Cleopatra by law, both because she was a foreigner and because Romans were only allowed one wife--he was already married to Calpurnia. However, Caesar and Cleopatra intended to make their love known. To this end, Caesar took the remarkable step of commissioning a golden statue of Cleopatra and placing it in his family temple of Venus Genetrix. Here, Cleopatra was depicted both as a goddess and a member of the Julii. No stronger statement about the sacred nature of their bond could be made. After Caesar was assassinated, Cleopatra built a giant temple in the royal district of Alexandria and celebrated him as a god.

When it Comes to Love, Go Big or Go Home. When Mark Antony summoned Cleopatra to Tarsus, it was to chastise her for having failed to provide him with ships in his recent battles. Though she was the Queen of Egypt, he was a Roman Triumvir. He demanded that she come to him and explain herself. Her response? A bit of over-the-top stagecraft. A known lover of wine, spectacle and debauchery, Antony was riveted by the sight of Cleopatra’s golden barge as it sailed into the harbor. Cleopatra presented herself as a goddess come to meet a god and all her attendants were costumed as mythological figures. Perfume and rose-petals were the order of the day and when she entertained Antony aboard her ship, lavishly gifting his men with silver plate and other priceless gifts, he was smitten. The lesson? Don’t settle for a subtle seduction. Big romantic gestures create a lasting memories!

Encourage The Ambitions of Those You Love. Julius Caesar certainly didn’t need Cleopatra to prod him to world domination, but he certainly seemed to welcome her as a cheerleader and financier. That she shared in his visions of a future of empire building probably made her a more compatible lover in every way. Antony, on the other hand, seems to have been ambivalent about his own ambitions. Though Cleopatra is often blamed for his downfall, it’s unclear that Mark Antony wouldn’t have simply faded into obscurity without her. When he lost direction, Cleopatra was always there to stroke his ego and help him find his way. Consider the story of the infamous fishing trip during which Cleopatra played a prank on Antony. When he was frustrated at catching nothing, Cleopatra had her divers attach salted fish to his hook. When Antony pulled up his line and found the dead fish, laughter ensued and she told him, “Leave behind your fishing rod, General; your game is cities, provinces and kingdoms.” The lesson for us? Have a great sense of humor. Also, be your beloved’s greatest fan and encourage him or her to excel at what they do best.

Dance With The One That Brung Ya. Though Cleopatra has a reputation as a great seductress and a manipulative schemer, she seems to have been remarkably loyal. She was first loyal to Pompey. Then Caesar. Then Antony. When her war with Rome was lost, Cleopatra was offered the opportunity to ingratiate herself with her conqueror, perhaps sparing her life and her throne, in exchange for Antony’s head. As Antony had taken refuge in Egypt, he was entirely at her mercy. But she could not kill her lover. In the end they both committed suicide and were buried together to rest eternally side by side.

Bio

Stephanie Dray is the author of a projected trilogy of historical fiction novels set in the Augustan Age, starting with Lily of the Nile: A Novel of Cleopatra's Daughter. Before she wrote novels, Stephanie was a lawyer, a game designer, and a teacher. Now she uses the transformative power of magic realism to illuminate the stories of women in history and inspire the young women of today. She remains fascinated by all things Roman or Egyptian and has–to the consternation of her devoted husband–collected a house full of cats and ancient artifacts.


She is currently sponsoring the Cleopatra Literary Contest for Young Women, the deadline for which is March 1, 2011, but join her newsletter now for updates and a chance to win a free copy of Lily of the Nile and additional prizes

Editing During a Crisis...and Promoting from a Hotel Room

Unless you've been living in a cave the past couple of weeks, I'm sure you've been following the crisis in Egypt.

One of my writer friends, Jenyfer Matthews, has been living it. Jenyfer and her family live in Cairo, and fortunately were able to get out of the country during the protests. Like millions of others, she watched the rioting on TV, but it was personal for her, since that was her city in chaos.

I couldn't imagine what that must be like. I would be terrified. But Jenyfer had a deadline she had to stick to. She'd promised herself she would get backlist up on Kindle and Smashwords by Valentine's Day, and she was going to stick to it, even if it meant formatting and editing from her hotel room in Istanbul.

So I thought I'd help her out, and spread the word to our Fictionistas friends. Each of these titles was previously published by Cerridwen Press, but when she got the rights back she decided to self-publish them.

Jenyfer is a great writer, and I ADORED "One Crazy Summer." Author Gemma Halliday called it "contemporary romance at its best" and said that "fans of Jennifer Crusie will love Jenyfer Matthews' fresh, fun voice."

I can't wait to read the rest of her stories!

Here are the blurbs. You can pop over to her website to find links to the Smashwords and Kindle sites to buy.

Happy reading!



ONE CRAZY SUMMER

Summer Donahue is not Ben Martin’s type of woman. Ben is conservative, thoughtful and the model of self-control. Summer is whimsical, spontaneous and just a bit flaky. So why, when she breezed into his office like a tropical storm, was he so instantly and inexplicably attracted to her?

Summer consulted Ben to have her business’s taxes done. But when it comes to light that Summer’s ex-husband and ex-accountant Malcolm has embezzled most of her liquid assets and put her on the brink of bankruptcy, Ben throws aside all of his iron-clad rules about getting personally involved with his clients. Summer and Ben go to Mexico to find her ex and save her business. But in the process Ben loses more to Summer than his personal credo — he loses his heart as well.

http://www.jenyfermatthews.com/books/one-crazy-summer/



HERE TO STAY

All Julia Sullivan wanted was a fresh start in a new place. But cutting ties with the past and starting over can be a difficult thing to do.

After leaving her husband and quitting her job, Julia was emotionally spent. She needed a quiet place to recharge and to think about what she wanted from life. She thought she had found just that when she inherited her aunt’s oceanfront Victorian house in Haven, New Jersey. It wasn’t going to be that simple, however. In addition to her new house being a complete shambles, her charming soon-to-be ex-husband Patrick, whom she discovers she still loves, arrives with the intention of winning her back. To complicate matters further, it seems as if her aunt’s death wasn’t an accident after all. And there’s just something about her new house that seems to interest all sorts of people.

http://www.jenyfermatthews.com/books/here-to-stay/



ALL THE WAY HOME

Maggie Dean and Sam Callahan grew up in the same town, knew each other in school, admired each other from afar, but never dated. She was just a little too straight and narrow for this bad boy. Now they’re all grown up and back in their hometown – she to deal with a family crisis, he to prove that he’s changed his ways.

After enduring her parents’ loveless marriage and coming home to help her sister pick up the pieces of her broken one, Maggie isn’t interested in relationships. Sam Callahan is not only still gorgeous, but he’s still available. Neither Maggie nor Sam can deny their attraction but they’re still at odds. Maggie’s down on family life — can Sam be the one to convince her to settle down?

http://www.jenyfermatthews.com/books/all-the-way-home/

Be My Tootsie Wootsie or I’ll Widdle on Your Footsie

I have never understood the hostility toward Valentine’s Day—which is coming up soon—from many friends and acquaintances.  Whuddup with the hate, yo?

Maybe this is because it was always a fun, family holiday when I was a kid, and this carried through to my adulthood.  My father always gave us chocolate—both myself and my brothers.  So I learned early to associate the day with giving an appreciative little something to ANYONE I love. 

But I have to admit, this year I may not have Ahmed.  He is hoping to get back from business conducted afar, but may not make it.  His trip got interrupted, re-routed, and generally spoiled schedule-wise.  So I kind of feel the grumpiness… for the first time I’m not loving the day of love. 

Hopefully I’ll have my man unit back.  And hopefully if I don’t, I’ll find something to celebrate anyway.  What are your plans?

Count Your Blessings

There's a lot of crap going on in the world today. Murders, unrest, war, protesting, flood, famine, economic hardship, Charlie Sheen.

I think it would be nice to take a moment to talk about a few things we're thankful for.

I'll start:

My fictionistas - they're a great group of women who I can discuss things with, have a laugh, share a problem, and they always have my back.

My family - I couldn't have asked for a more loving, supportive family.

My health - I see so many people around me struggling with health issues and my heart goes out to them. I am blessed to be healthy.

My cats - yes, I consider them a blessing. They make me laugh, keep me company, and make sure I never think the bed is exclusively mine.

How about you? What are your blessings?

Disgustingly adorable Darth Vader

Okay, so I just saw this commercial and had to giggle. Well played, Volkswagen--I love seeing dads who are good to their kids.

baby, baby, baby

So, a couple of weeks ago I told you I was sooooo over Katy Perry.

And now I'm gonna tell you, I was never into the Bieb. I don't get this fascination with Justin Bieber and I never will. My 7 year old niece acts like this boy hung the moon. Maybe he's today's Shaun Cassidy?

Nah. The Bieb just ain't that cool.

You know what is cool, though? The Neon Tree's mash up of The Bieb's song Baby and Stand By Me. Seriously, have a listen. I'm betting you'll dig it immensly. I do.

Date Night

You know you write Young Adult romance when you're watching the State of the Union and are struck by how much it resembled a prom this year.



Or maybe I just have been blogging with the Fictionistas for a while, because you know how much we love crazy prom stories here.



In a spirit of bipartisanship in the wake of the Tucson tragedy that many are criticizing as empty symbolism, members of Congress abandoned their time-honored partisan seating chart and sat with members of the opposing party during Obama's speech to a joint session of Congres.

The last several days here in DC have been like a politican Match.Com as members of Congress have scrambled to find "dates" to the big event.



After all, those all-important prom pictures look that much better when you have the perfect date.

In years past, the State of the Union looked just like a junior high dance, with the Republicans on one side and the Democrats on the other. But now we have a more mature Congress that's graduated at least to high school.

The tradition of partisan seating dates to 1845 in the House of Representatives, with Democrats on one sides of the aisle, and Republicans on the other. But it wasn't until 1913 that it became the practice for the State of the Union. For the first time since Thomas Jefferson, President Woodrow Wilson personally delivered the State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress, and the Representatives and Senators observed the House's partisan seating.

For the next 70 years, partisan seating was the norm, but no overt partisanship during the speech. But in 1983, Democrats mockingly applauded President Ronald Reasan during a line in his State of the Union. From then on we saw an era of one side of the chamber leaping to their feet at various times during the speech, with the other side sitting quietly and sometimes grumbling. At times it looked like the party the president was from was engaged in a weird aerobic workout during the State of the Union, they would get up and down so often.

It was always entertaining, that's for sure. Several State of the Union drinking games were even built around the jovial jumping up and down. (Because let's face it, even for the biggest politics die-hards among us, the only way to get through these things is with a drink.)

But this new seating arrangement really screwed things up. It used to be that members of Congress didn't even really have to listen too terribly hard in order to participate in the political pep rally. If the President was from their party, all they had to do was pay attention to what the sea of politicans around them were doing. If your seatmates are standing and cheering, you do too.

I kept watching last night to see if anyone would mess up, forgetting that their seatmate was from the opposing party and just following along, caught up in the excitement. That would have been funny.

I do know of one person who was very caught up in the excitement of the evening. She kept standing up and clapping whenever she saw the people on TV doing so.

My 1-year-old daughter. :)

Hey, it's DC. We start 'em young.

When I was COOL

Once upon a time I was cool, and so was this jacket.  I swear.  I have witnesses.

In fact, yesterday (Sunday) I made my normal morning rounds and came across Bill, who dated me a little a million years ago, and somehow ended up married to my absolute best friend, Roxy.  (You may now shriek the Police song in your head… you’re welcome.)

Anyway, I was minding my own beeswax, standing in line at the pharmacy with ice, a newspaper, and some Tylenol when Bill wandered up with his two adorable kids—Johnny and Bill Jr.  He kissed me on the cheek and said “hey, sweetheart!”

That’s where the trouble started.

Johnny:  WHY are you calling Chrissy “sweetheart?”

Bill:  Because she IS a sweetheart.  Back in the day everybody wanted her to be THEIR sweetheart, you know.

Johnny (incredulous—thanks, Johnny):  WHY????

Bill:  Because she was cute, she could sing and play guitar, she could play BASEBALL, and she could open beer bottles with the buttons on her Levi’s jacket.

*note: this is true… and I can still do it.

Johnny (considering):  Welllll… okay, that IS cool, but it’s a really stupid reason to fall in love with somebody.

*insert hysterical laughter wafting through CVS

Everybody’s a critic.  That kid can open his own bloody beer bottles.  *fume*

She's a star, baby!

Our own Gwen Hayes is a best seller! Her novella, Second Son of a Duke, is currently ranked number 5 in Amazon's historical romance list. Isn't that awesome?

If you haven't checked out this gem for yourself, you really should. And hey, at .99 it's the best buy you're going to get all week.

Check it out here.

Happy reading!

Puppy cuteness overload

Back around Thanksgiving, I got two doxie pups, which we named Daisy (the girl, lighter color with the pink nose) and Duke (the boy, darker color with a black nose). haha. I hearty heart my puppies and decided to overload you with the MOST ADORABLE PUPPY PICTURES EVAR. haha. As you can see, they sleep a lot. It's so, so freaking cute.

Awwwwww! I lubs my babies. Thanks for letting me share. :D

so over her

I'm totally over Katy Perry. I liked her when she kissed a girl. But now? Ugh. The airwaves are saturated with Firework, California Gurls, & Teenage Dream...and I just wanna barf every time I hear one of those songs. (which, if you listen to the radio, is approximately every 13 seconds)

I actually really liked her at first, so I feel really badly that my finger automatically hits the seek button every time I hear a few bars of one of her songs. It's like Pavlov's dog...only with my finger and Katy Perry.

And it's not fair. It's totally not her fault that the stations are cramming her into our heads until our eardrums burst. Or at least, until my eardrums burst. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one off the Katy Perry bandwagon. I'm alone, on the side of the road, while the rest of the world rides off into the sunset with KP. But I'd rather be alone than listen to California Gurls one more time. Yeah, I know. She's so hot she'll melt my popsicle. I guess that means I'll stop eating popsicles then.

Are you over anyone right now?

These are some things that are really bothering me.

I'm usually a happy go lucky blog poster. "This is great!" "Look at this link!" "I love this" etc.

But lately.

Here goes:

Pluto is still a planet. I don't care what they say. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/08/060824-pluto-planet.html

There are twelve zodiac signs. Not thirteen. http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/01/13/horoscope-hang-up-earth-rotation-changes-zodiac-signs/ Not only are they messing with people's tattoos, but omG, what about the continuity on Battlestar Gallactica?

Words have meaning. Especially negative ones. By removing them from classics, you change the context of the story. How about instead of whitewashing history, we talk to the kids about why it's important to remember even the ugly bits of history so that we continue to move forward. http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2011/01/05/new-huckleberry-finn-edition-removes-the-%E2%80%9Cn-word%E2%80%9D/?iref=allsearch

So...what's eating you?

Marlene Awards is low on entries!

Calling all unpublished writers! The Marlene Awards, sponsored by Washington Romance Writers, is low on entries in all categories.

This is a fantastic contest, with great feedback and stellar final editor judges. And the 1st place winner in each category wins a detailed critique from a published author!

And if you happen to be the winner of the YA category, then your critique will be provided by none other than Fictionistas' own Gwen Hayes!

So don't wait or hesitate! (Sorry, I've been watching too much Sprout network lately.) The deadline is SATURDAY, JANUARY 15.

FINAL ROUND JUDGES AND CRITIQUE AUTHORS FOR EACH CATEGORY:

Single Title Contemporary Romance
Final Editor Judge: Amanda Bergeron, Avon
Critique Author: Jane Porter

Series Contemporary Romance (long and short)
Final Editor Judge: Patience Smith, Harlequin/Silhouette
Critique Author: Amanda Berry

Historical Romance
Final Editor Judge: Leah Hultenschmidt, Sourcebooks
Critique Author: Janet Mullany

Paranormal/Fantasy/Futuristic Romance
Final Editor Judge: Latoya Smith, Grand Central
Critique Author: Stacia Kane

Romantic Elements
Final Editor Judge: Holly Blanck, St. Martin's
Critique Author: Gemma Halliday

Young Adult
Final Editor Judge: Kristin Daly, HarperCollins/Balzer + Bray
Critique Author: Gwen Hayes

http://www.wrwdc.com/ee/index.php/marlene_awards/

Wild Blue

I am something of a bird-nut.  I love watching them out on the rivers, harbor, and marshes. I love the slow glides of the swans, and the brilliant little flicks of the nuthatches and titmouses. I even love to watch sparrows and chickadees, pedestrian as they may seem.  I love flicking french-fries at them in the parking lot at the harbor.  But my favorite of all is the great blue heron.

If you have never seen them, you don’t know what you are missing.  We are lucky enough to have a healthy population in my area, and they fascinate me.  They are huge—which makes them hard to miss when they stand along the edges of the harbor or the river, usually on a boggy spot of marsh.  In flight they are gigantic—so much larger than our largest birds of prey.  If those long legs seem awkward on land, the wing span you see in full flight is all magesty and grace.

Saturday evening, on my way home, a male great blue flew over my head.  He was no more than ten feet above me, but it felt as if I could reach up and touch him.  The sun was setting, and his color was amazing: a faded denim blue that picked up peach and rose from the sun.  He took my breath away.

The long, meandering paths along the Green Harbor river and amazing views of the marshes are one of my great joys. Even as a child I wandered these woods, getting covered in muck and dragging home all manner of critters and clippings.  My mom would make me empty my pockets, only to discover a mangled bit of wild sassafrass root, a carefully pocketed feather, or—sorry Mom—something furry.  Moles, mice, newts, and chipmunks… baby ducks who incited near-violence from their mother, and turtle babies my father helped me return to the marsh.  I was quite the manky little beastie, with quite the wild menagerie. 

I don’t bring wild things home these days… unless you count Ahmed.  But I do so love to watch them.  I guess I always will.

another year?

Yeah. Another year. And I guess I'm supposed to make resolutions and try not to fail meeting them again.

I have a love/hate relationship with the new year. I love the idea of new beginnings, of wiping the slate clean and starting fresh, of getting a chance to right some wrongs of the previous year.

I hate the idea of setting myself up to fail with resolutions. The last two years I've described the previous year with 3 words and then assigned 3 new words for what I hope the new year will be.

This year, I'm just making one resolution.

Move Forward.

What are your plans? Are you resolving or boycotting the whole idea?

To Age or Not To Age, That is the Question

My good friend Gemma Halliday posted a question on Romance Divas yesterday, and it got me thinking.

If you're reading a YA series, do you expect the characters to grow up?

JK Rowling did it in her Harry Potter series, of course, which correlated nicely with how her original readers were aging. But that was a fantasy world, and the characters were dealing with fantasy issues very far removed from our own everyday world.

For a contemporary, if the main character is 16 in the first book, would you expect her to be in college by the end of the series? Is this a good idea?

On the one hand, if you're putting out 1 book a year, and your target audience starts out in the 12-15 age group, then by the time you're 3 or 4 books in, your readership has "outgrown" this type of book, so aging your character might be a good idea.

On the other hand, what about your readers who find you once you already have a backlist? As a mom, would you want your 12-year-old daughter to start off reading books with a 16-year-old protagonist and then continue reading that series all in a row, even if the main character is now in college? It wouldn't be a big deal if your daughter is now 16 or 17, of course, but if she came upon the entire series while she's a preteen, it could get awkward.

But then again, keeping your main character in a vaccuum and never aging her, Nancy Drew style, is unrealistic.

YA writers...what do you do?

YA readers...what do you prefer?

Something tasty to start the New Year with

I've got a new book out - The Perfect Dish!

It's a light, contemporary paranormal with a chef hero. Yum! Here's the scoop:

Texas-born Kelly Spicer is not just one of Manhattan's hottest young chefs, he's also one of the city's most eligible bachelors. Desperate to help his grieving sister, Kelly uses the magic cookbook passed down through his family's generations to conjure up a recipe of chocolate-laced persuasion to enlist the help of the only woman he thinks can reach his sister.

Psychologist Meredith Black has buried two husbands, an experience which has made her an expert in grief and pushed her to pen two books that landed her on the Oprah show and the best seller list. A cynic in matters of the heart, her success does nothing to ease her belief that she's a jinx. She vows never to love again and when she makes that sentiment public, dating Kelly becomes her best damage control.

Buy it for Kindle or Nook or any other format - for just $2.99! A print version should be available in a week or two. If you read it, I'd love to know what you think.