Bully for Us

My home state of Massachusetts recently passed anti-bullying legislation. A lot of people I know were surprised I wasn't thrilled with this, but I wasn't. Frankly I don't see that it solves much. For it to be active somebody has to have already been bullied. I'd prefer we work from the other end.

There have actually been a lot of studies on bullying, which surprised me when I looked into it. None have come up with solutions that work. In my experience with young people, most of the psycho-babble stuff really doesn't do much good. Sit two kids down to talk it out and they give lip service, walk to opposite sides of the room, and go right back to picking sides and planning revenge.

The ONLY thing I ever found that worked when I was teaching? I was as hyper-aware as I could be of kids who tended to be targets, and I targeted them myself... from the other side. If a pimply kid was getting hammered and had no confidence, I would play him up, give him opportunities to be clever, and talk him up with the cooler kids. I'm still, to this day, surprised that kids like and look up to me. But I tried to live by the adage I stole from Dr. Charles Robinson, "they don't care what you know til they know that you care" and practiced it every day. Thank god it worked. If the cool kids hadn't trusted and liked me pointing out how talented Suzy was, or how funny Sammy was, never would have come to much.

I didn't fix everything, but I think by making it my business to pay attention and care... maybe I fixed a few things.

I do remember a woman coming to a school where I taught Psychology, English, and Journalism. She was there to speak about peer support. The kids hated her. They snickered through her presentation, made fun of her demeanor, and giggled a lot.

They dismissed her as a preachy dork. To be honest, she kinda was.

So how do we solve this issue? My only gut response is to watch, pay attention, and support the kids struggling socially while playing to the crowd at the same time. Don't alienate the leaders, but pick up the stragglers. Try to shove them onto common ground and show them how one can lead with humor, energy, and kindness all at the same time.

Other than that I got nothin... but I'm also certain legislating bullying is a pretty flimsy bandaid. And honestly? I would rather we avoid the wound to begin with.

Keep Your Lunch Money

Whether you're in school or working a 9-5 job, bullies exist. I doubt there is any among us who hasn't dealt with one in our lifetime. Here are a few ways on how to deal with a bully:

Ignore the bully and walk away. It's definitely not a coward's response — sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away, or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you're telling the bully that you just don't care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you. Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you're not vulnerable.

Hold the anger. Who doesn't want to get really upset with a bully? But that's exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions. If you're in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can't walk away with poise, use humor — it can throw the bully off guard. Work out your anger in another way, such as through exercise or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger).

Don't get physical. However you choose to deal with a bully, don't use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you showing your anger, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions. Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that's not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.

Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior. Practice feeling good about yourself (even if you have to fake it at first).

Take charge of your life. You can't control other people's actions, but you can stay true to yourself. Think about ways to feel your best — and your strongest — so that other kids may give up the teasing. Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful. (It's a great mood lifter, too!) Learn a martial art or take a class like yoga. Another way to gain confidence is to hone your skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, or writing. Joining a class, club, or gym is a great way to make new friends and feel great about yourself. The confidence you gain will help you ignore the mean kids.

Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend — anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you're being bullied.

Find your (true) friends. If you've been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting) can apply. But take it one step further to help ease feelings of hurt and isolation. Find one or two true friends and confide how the gossip has hurt your feelings. Set the record straight by telling your friends quietly and confidently what's true and not true about you. Hearing a friend say, "I know the rumor's not true. I didn't pay attention to it," can help you realize that most of the time people see gossip for what it is — petty, rude, and immature.

Were you bullied in school? What did you do about it?